Wednesday, October 27, 2004
DOCTORS CALLED INTO YASER ARAFAT'S RAMALLAH COMPOUND
- advise him to "get out more"
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
The new Lebanese Cabinet, announced today, includes, for the first time ever, female ministers.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Another occasional feature of the pub quiz are the bimbo girls who just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
One such group of three were at the quiz tonight – they’d accidentally found themselves at a quiz and left not long after they realized what was happening (I think they're going to sue).
Friday, October 22, 2004
Page one: Iraq.
The United Nations has called the situation in northern Uganda the most neglected humanitarian catastrophe in the world.
What situation in northern Uganda?
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono being sworn in today.
LEBANESE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION TO BE SHORTER
- part about "swearing to uphold the Constitution" to be excised, no longer applicable or necessary
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Ariel Sharon, the Israeli prime minister, is in danger of assasination at the hands of Jewish extremists, claims Shimon Peres, leader of the opposition Labour party.
If Ariel Sharon is'nt right-wing enough for them and is in in danger, then what hope is there for the rest of us - where do the Arabs stand, what hope is there for them?
RUSSIAN REGION BANS F***ING SWEARING
- police in western Belgorod region to issue fifty dollar on the spot fines
AMERICA VOTES 2004
- live coverage of the US Presidential campaign
The latest opinion poll indicates that if the election were held today, it would be two weeks early.
Monday, October 18, 2004
AMERICA VOTES 2004
- live coverage of the US Presidential campaign
Britain has agreed to an American request to send "targets" to Baghdad, British Defence Secretary Geoff hoon announced today.
The troops will be redeployed from Basra as soon as logistics are determined and no later than Election Day (November 2nd).
The ostensible reason, given by the Americans, for the request is that it would "free up more American troops to fight insurgents" (CNN)…insurgents like Democratic challenger John Kerry who questioned why America was paying ninety percent of the costs of the Iraq war and sustaining ninety percent of the casualties.
ANGLICAN CLERGY TO MEET TO HEAL RIFT OVER ORDINATION OF GAY BISHOP
- meeting scheduled for midnight in public toilets
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Amidst all the controversy over United Nations Security Council Resolution 1559 (and most of the 1558 other Irresolutions passed over the years), no mention has been made of the fact that the UN can't' even enforce its very own United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948)!
After thorough academic study of the Declaration, I am now able to reveal a shockingly unobserved "law",
(1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution."
For those of you not as versed in diplomatic speak and international law as I am, "the right to marry" is euphemistic for the right to get laid (just substitute "the right to marry" for "the right to get laid" - that's what they really mean).
On the strength of that, women who refuse us can be tried by the International Court of Justice for crimes against humanity.
It's going to get really busy at The Hague!Thus, I hereby call on the member nations of the United Nations to not pay their dues until I get…there, to sort this mess out
Friday, October 15, 2004
Fallujah's chief negotiator in peace talks with the government, Khaled Al-Jumaili has been arrested by US forces.
I'm guessing that the negotiations aren’t going too well.
How bad are things going when the negotiator is arrested?
He mustn't be very good.
Go on negotiator; negotiate your way out of that one.
Monday, October 11, 2004
As Lebanon experiences its worst power outages in twenty two years, the privatization debate that takes place here every now and then is a moot point –it's already happened.
It's also impossible – how can you privatize something intangible, something that doesn’t exist? (It's like privatizing ghosts).
What's there to privatize anyway? Privatizing "electricity" in this country is privatizing candle manufacturing and that's allready private.
Essential services such as water, electricity etc are already de facto privatized – by failing to provide these services adequately, the government has effectively privatized them; driving citizens into the hands of thousands of profiteering suppliers that have popped up to fill this void.
E.g. the going rate for a load of water (2000 liters) from a tank jockey residents around here have been using nonstop for about a month now (and intermittently throughout the summer) is 25,000LL.
And I write this to the accompaniment of the whir of private electricity generators – the unofficial, yet true, Lebanese national anthem ("The Night of a Thousand Generators").
When the generator is eventually turned off, I will continue typing this onto my state-of-the-art laptop computer* and upload it onto my site, via the technology of the internet, by candlelight! (As I have so often done before)
This juxtaposition is the very definition of Lebanon and the Third World.
*It was when it was new.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
America Decides 2004
- "Dude, where's my indelible ink?"
Afghans are going to the polls today in that country's first Presidential "election".
The vote has been boycotted by sixteen candidates after it emerged that "indelible" ink used to mark the hands of voters to prevent multiple voting was easily removed.
Rupert Murdoch Decides 2004
- "The media was clearly anti-Labor with the Murdoch press leading the way and not a single major daily paper endorsing Mark Latham"
Australians have re-elected Prime Minister John Howard to a historic fourth term, making him the most successful John Howard in Australian history.
Doesn’t the Labor Party have any good lawyers?
Surely they can challenge the vote on the grounds that voter's thumbs weren't marked with ink, indelible or otherwise, a la the equally hapless Afghan opposition.
Does that sound crazy?No crazier than expecting a bloke who beats people (aka voters) up (archives 12/2/2003) to win an election for you.
WE REGRET THE ERROR
In a previous post, I predicted that the Liberals would lose the election, which may have been construed by some as my predicting that the Liberals would lose the election.
I meant no such thing and apologize for the misunderstanding.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Renatoobeidsworld is best viewed with 3D glasses – if you want to look really silly
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
INDONESIANS ELECT ANOTHER PRESIDENT WITH A FUNNY SOUNDING NAME
Just as Indonesian's began to see the light at the end of the tunnel after four years under the rule of the funnily named Megawati Sukarnoputri, along comes a bloke with the even funnier name of Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono whom the electoral commission has just declared the winner of last month's Presidential elections!
What are these people thinking!?!
Monday, October 04, 2004
REBELIOUS TEEN ROOSTER'S FAN BLAMES PARENTS FOR TEAM'S GRAND FINAL LOSS
Got home a couple of hours ago from the quiz at Paddy's (it's back).
We lost by one point – somebody talked us out of three of my correct answers.
The Talkoutofer is quite common at pub quizzes – somebody who repeatedly talks his teammates out of correct answers.
All pubquizers, including myself, have been talkoutofers at one stage or another, but a talkoutofer (small t) is what you temporarily are when you occasionally slip into this whereas a Talkeoutofer (capital T) is somebody who habitually does this.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
CANTERBURY- BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS WIN AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL RUGBY LEAGUE GRAND FINAL
- Bulldogs 16/Roosters 13
- It's two Premierships in three seasons as Doggies stage counter-coup and restore democracy*
- Bill Harrigan on suicide watch
*Who kicked the dogs out?!?
Topping the league table towards the end of a record-breaking season in 2002, the NRL junta stripped them of their points and effectively the Grand Final they were poised to win in a media instigated coup (just like the FIS was poised to win the elections in Algeria in 1991 when the military junta suspended the elections)
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Part of a CNN focus group meant to gauge public reaction to Thursday's US Presidential debate was a thirty something year old yuppie who described himself as "a social liberal and fiscal conservative".
What does this paradoxical contradiction in terms really mean?
It means that he's a liberal as far as it concerns his, his friends' and his boyfriend's lifestyles (the so-called "social liberal" aspect) but doesn’t want to pay for this by extending it to the traditional beneficiaries of liberal largesse (hence "fiscal conservatism").
There seems to be a lot of this strange hybrid fruit around – high earning selfish, self-absorbed, hypocritical Buddhist latte liberals sitting around in cafes speaking nonsense.
But when it comes to expanding the circle a bit, beyond them and their coterie, NO, STOP, no more Mr. Liberal!
The late Danish politician Pim Fortuyn* was a prime example of this – left-wing liberal when it suited him (his homosexuality) but a flaming right-wing fascist when it came to others, immigrants, Muslims, etc.
There's no such thing as a selective expedient sometime liberal – you're either in or out.
*I'm not speaking ill of the dead, Mr. Fortuyn was an inteligent cultured man tragically cut down in his prime, I'm just highlighting a contradiction.
My cousin assures me that it's business as usual at the local manouchie kiosk – apparently the proprietor turned councillor had been busy receiving congratulations from well-wishers at home this week(as is the custom in the Middle East).
Nonetheless, there are still lessons to be learnt from the Great Manouchie Famine of 2004 – I call on the government to bake and freeze an emergency Manouchie stockpile and to establish a Ministry for Manouchie Security.
All marriage proposals I made during the height of the Famine should now be considered null and void.
Friday, October 01, 2004
MY COUSIN'S FIRST BLOG ENTRY
my day, my world
Friday, October 01, 2004
My first blog entry
Hi, it's Omar - I'm 12 years old and I love playing basketball, swimming and English.
I love women and their boobies and jugs and there's a woman her name is Haifa Wehbe and she's so beautiful and she has two boobies and one beautiful booby trap.
I am going tell you about my family tomorrow.
Disclaimer : I take no responsibility for Omar's blog (I exercised no censorship or influence over him) but I do think that it's quite funny.
Note : This free site contains only my unfunny material
To get to the funny stuff, you need to upgrade to Renatoobeidsworld Premium*.
It couldn’t be any easier – just mail your credit card to the Renatoobeidsworld embassy in any capital city!
*Why should I be any different than every other site that scams you by hooking you in for free (to view a couple of mediocre soft porn pics - just a totally random example that doesn't concern me) and then charges you to upgrade if you want anything decent or functional (aka "Premium").
The word "Premium" has become a byword for "scam".