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    "Top blog/Renato Obeid's World/Today's pick: This rambling weblog is worth reading not so much for its satirical posts but more for its insight into the minutiae of life in Lebanon, including the etiquette of road accidents and how to hire a taxi.” -Jane Perrone, The Guardian

    renatoobeidsworld
     
    Friday, August 29, 2003  
    The just published inquiry into the break up of the space shuttle Columbia has determined that mission controls last words to the shuttle were "we cant hear you - your'e breaking up".

    10:41 am

     
    I SEEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT ON BROADWAY
    ("ultra" edited version)

    Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
    What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
    …Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
    The Star Spangled Banner
    (Francis Scott Key)

    On Thursday 14 August some sixty million people across North-eastern America commemorated President George W Bush Day (also known as The Festival of No Lights) in the form of massive state-wide electricity blackouts.
    The man of the hour, President Bush, made a live address to the nation – reassuring them that it was not the end of the world.
    My parallel counter-address to the American people is, quite simply, “get a life and stop blaming Canada!” – its not use blaming them, as far as I know they don’t even have electricity!
    Furthermore, I don’t think my welcoming Americans to the real world is schadenfreude – it’s an astonishing fact that more people today are living in the dark than during the Dark Ages!
    This is merely how the “other half” live!
    It certainly doesn’t warrant the blanket Breaking (so-called) News! coverage it received on U.S television!
    The “star” of that coverage would have to be CNN’s Wolf Blitzer who offered
    what I’d consider pretty obvious advice in the form of “a warning to viewers using candles – don’t let them spill over”.
    First of all, that’s pretty elementary and furthermore it’s a non sequitur - if you're actually using candles then you wont be actually watching television in that you wont have the electricity to watch TV
    And also its very low-tech advice from CNN – the polar opposite of the high tech involved in putting CNN to air and the polar opposite of the techno babble they usually bombard us with (yet very welcome respite).
    Which just goes to show how in this high- tech era we can go from A to Z almost instantaneously and all it takes is just for the power to go out.
    We’ve got all this technology but we don’t have the technology to actually be able to handle life without this technology - i.e. during a power failure when all that technology becomes useless and CNN, one of the most technologically advanced outfits on the planet, resorts to Candle Information which is pretty much all they can do in these circumstances.
    I’m no Wolf Blitzer but still I humbly offer the only blackout advice I think one will ever need – look out for the “iron supplement’.
    During my time in “electricity challenged” parts of the world my bête noir in the noir (so to speak) is always the ironing board.
    Whenever I go looking for a candle in the dark I’m always surprised to find that an ironing board always pops up from nowhere and painfully ambushes me somewhere along my path.
    Attack of the Killer Ironing Boards!
    There may not of been an ironing board in the house, in the country or even in the entire world for that matter but as soon as the power goes, there it is – the malevolent ironing board from hell!
    If you ever need an ironing board or simply cant find yours (although they’re pretty hard to lose) try this – turn out the lights (power cut simulation for those not lucky enough to have them) and it will come to you!
    But, when all is said and done, there’s a silver lining in every cloud.
    As antiquated electricity grids worldwide struggle to accommodate larger populations (coupled with increased demand) and power outages increase I urge anyone experiencing any sort of power outage anywhere to see that silver lining in those dark clouds of darkness.
    Enjoy the all too brief respite from the world, technology and the twenty first century.
    Catch your breath; lie down in the darkness and, God forbid, actually think!
    Listen to the BBC World Service on a transistor radio or, God forbid, actually talk to people rather than bombarding them with stupid indecipherably abbreviated text messages or stupid unfunny emailed jokes and attachments.
    Read a book by candlelight.
    Look at the stars.
    Make shadow puppets on the wall using a flashlight – the easiest is a bunny rabbit (although the novelty of this wears out pretty quickly).
    But, if all that fails and your still not happy and you still cant live without electricity then I suggest you go fly a kite!
    It worked for Benjamin Franklin!




    10:32 am

     
    I SEEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT ON BROADWAY
    (edited version)

    Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
    What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
    …Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
    The Star Spangled Banner
    (Francis Scott Key)

    On Thursday 14 August some sixty million people across North-eastern America commemorated President George W Bush Day (also known as The Festival of No Lights) in the form of massive state-wide electricity blackouts.
    The man of the hour, President Bush, made a live address to the nation – reassuring them that it was not the end of the world.
    My parallel counter-address to the American people is, quite simply, “get a life and stop blaming Canada!” – its not use blaming them, as far as I know they don’t even have electricity!
    Furthermore, I don’t think my welcoming Americans to the real world is schadenfreude – it’s an astonishing fact that more people today are living in the dark than during the Dark Ages!
    This is merely how the “other half” live!
    It certainly doesn’t warrant the blanket Breaking (so-called) News! coverage it received on U.S television!
    The “star” of that coverage would have to be CNN’s Wolf Blitzer who offered
    what I’d consider pretty obvious advice in the form of “a warning to viewers using candles – don’t let them spill over”.
    First of all, that’s pretty elementary and furthermore it’s a non sequitur - if you're actually using candles then you wont be actually watching television in that you wont have the electricity to watch TV
    And also its very low-tech advice from CNN – the polar opposite of the high tech involved in putting CNN to air and the polar opposite of the techno babble they usually bombard us with (yet very welcome respite).
    Which just goes to show how in this high- tech era we can go from A to Z almost instantaneously and all it takes is just for the power to go out.
    We’ve got all this technology but we don’t have the technology to actually be able to handle life without this technology - i.e. during a power failure when all that technology becomes useless and CNN, one of the most technologically advanced outfits on the planet, resorts to Candle Information which is pretty much all they can do in these circumstances.
    Nobody here in Lebanon (where I am at the moment) needs that sort of information – although the civil war here ended more than twelve years ago we still have irregular power supply and daily power outages.
    You certainly wont see wall-to-wall Breaking News! coverage on Lebanese television of power outages (even if they’re affecting entire cities)!
    Actually, strictly hypothetically though as we’re a long way away from this, what you probably would get is wall-to-wall Breaking News! coverage in the very unlikely eventuality of power “inages” so to speak – that is electricity being on in entire cities.
    Our situation here reminds me of a joke popular in Nigeria – “what did we have before we had candles? – electricity”; meaning that many such countries actually had functioning electricity before then going on to destroy that through war, corruption, incompetence, negligence etc (or all of the above and more in some cases)
    And if that’s not bad enough, sometimes we even have to pretend that we don’t have power even when we do!
    I’m not disclosing any state secrets here – its pretty much common knowledge – but during at least one of the Israeli incursions that happened every couple of years during the nineties (separate from the war of attrition that went on everyday) when Israel would conduct a one to two week concentrated blitzkrieg on Lebanese infrastructure (electricity being a major priority – several substations were destroyed) it would appear (it was pretty blatant) that the authorities had ordered all the electricity in Beirut turned off at night to give the impression to the Israelis that we weren’t home (TRY NEXT DOOR!).
    Seriously, it would appear that that was done to give the Israelis the impression that they’d already succeeded in their mission and that they’d blown up and destroyed all our power plants and that they could just go home now – “ Nope, no electricity here! Move on, move on, nothing to see here!
    Despite having one of the most powerful armies in the world, the Israelis weren’t my main concern at the time - my bête noir the in noir (so to speak) during that and other outages has always been what I call the “iron supplement’.
    Whenever I go looking for a candle in the dark I’m always surprised to find that an ironing board always pops up from nowhere and painfully ambushes me somewhere along my path.
    Attack of the Killer Ironing Boards!
    There may not of been an ironing board in the house, in the country or even in the entire world for that matter but as soon as the power goes, there it is – the malevolent ironing board from hell!
    If you ever need an ironing board or simply cant find yours (although they’re pretty hard to lose) try this – turn out the lights (power cut simulation for those not lucky enough to have them) and it will come to you!
    But, when all is said and done, there’s a silver lining in every cloud.
    As antiquated electricity grids worldwide struggle to accommodate larger populations (coupled with increased demand) and power outages increase I urge anyone experiencing any sort of power outage anywhere to see that silver lining in those dark clouds of darkness.
    Enjoy the all too brief respite from the world, technology and the twenty first century.
    Catch your breath; lie down in the darkness and, God forbid, actually think!
    Listen to the BBC World Service on a transistor radio or, God forbid, actually talk to people rather than bombarding them with stupid indecipherably abbreviated text messages or stupid unfunny emailed jokes and attachments.
    Read a book by candlelight.
    Look at the stars.
    Make shadow puppets on the wall using a flashlight – the easiest is a bunny rabbit (although the novelty of this wears out pretty quickly).
    But, if all that fails and your still not happy and you still cant live without electricity then I suggest you go fly a kite!
    It worked for Benjamin Franklin!




    10:26 am

    Tuesday, August 26, 2003  
    I SEEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT ON BROADWAY

    Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light,
    What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
    …Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
    The Star Spangled Banner
    (Francis Scott Key)

    On Thursday 14 August some sixty million people across North-eastern America commemorated President George W Bush Day (also known as The Festival of No lights) in the form of massive statewide electricity blackouts

    My Dictaphone was not affected

    Here’s what it recorded

    2.50 AM on Friday 15 August.
    Breaking (so-called) News! on the main networks and has been for about two hours (although the BBC has since dropped it but CNN persists) is massive power outages across several American cities (centred on New York) and apparently Canada as well.
    And right now word coming in that the Canadian Prime Ministers Office says that lightning struck a power plant there (I didn’t know that they even had electricity in Canada!) - thus the cause of all those blackouts (hello! – ever heard of a lightning rod?)
    Mayor Bloomberg has just been saying that there’s no evidence of any terrorist connection.
    I’m just reading at the bottom of the screen on CNN that apparently twenty-one power plants shut down within three minutes.
    Wolf Blitzer has just given what I’d consider pretty obvious advice in the form of “a warning to viewers using candles – don’t let them spill over” etc.
    First of all, that’s pretty elementary and furthermore it’s a non sequitur - if you're actually using candles then you wont be actually watching television in that you wont have the electricity to watch TV
    And also its very low-tech advice from CNN – the polar opposite of the high tech involved in putting CNN to air and the polar opposite of the techno babble they usually bombard us with.
    Which just goes to show how in this high- tech era we can go from A to Z almost instantaneously and all it takes is just for the power to go out.
    We’ve got all this technology but we don’t have the technology to actually be able to handle life without this technology - i.e. during a power failure when all that technology becomes useless and CNN, one of the most technologically advanced outfits on the planet, resorts to Candle Information which is pretty much all they can do in these circumstances.
    So far the Americans are lucky because its still daytime but, as night falls, I think obviously that is when the trouble begins.
    That’s not just for the obvious reason – that its harder to see in the dark – but also that in a lot of these “civilized” (developed) societies you turn the lights out or have the police go on strike and its complete pandemonium, complete regression, complete chaos and law of the jungle (looting, robbery, murder, etc).
    I don’t think its schadenfreude to say to the Americans “welcome to the real world” – its an astonishing fact that more people today are living in the dark then during the dark ages!
    Now the comparisons begin and the most obvious one I can think of is Lebanon, which I’m familiar with.
    For all our faults, problems and tragedies even we don’t go crazy when the electricity goes off and there certainly isn’t a breakdown in law and order when the electricity goes off – that is apart from the usual breakdown in law and order.
    What I’m saying is that there isn’t any additional breakdown in law and order – it’s just the usual normal regular breakdown in law and order.
    By the way, that “breakdown in law and order” as I put it that we have in Lebanon isn’t what you’d expect when you hear that sort of term applied to somewhere like the Bronx - in Lebanon its simply a matter of controlled chaos (if that sounds like an oxymoron to you then you haven’t lived in Lebanon) like the crazy driving, the undisciplined individualistic nature of the people etc but perfectly orderly and civic to an extent.
    I still have to struggle to resist the urge to shoplift every time I’m in a shop here and the electricity goes out.
    God forbid, but I think New Yorkers might be actually wishing that this were a terrorist strike after what may ensue during the hours of darkness to come.
    In that at least, God forbid, a terrorist strike is confined to a particular area or a particular building and is also external – coming from without.
    Whereas an escalation in what I don’t think I’m exaggerating in calling the civil war that is ongoing in most American cities during the best of times would be widespread and random and across an entire city – coming from within.
    Another comparison, you certainly wont see wall-to-wall Breaking News! coverage on Lebanese television of power outages (even if they’re affecting entire cities)!
    Actually, strictly hypothetically though as we’re a long way away from this, what you probably would get is wall-to-wall Breaking News! coverage in the very unlikely eventuality of power “inages” so to speak – that is electricity being on in entire cities.
    Although the civil war here ended over a dozen years ago we still have irregular power supply and daily power outages across the country and particularly in regional areas away from the cities.
    Our situation here reminds me of the joke they say in some African country – “what did we have before we had candles? – electricity”; meaning that many such countries actually had functioning electricity before then going on to destroy that through war, corruption, incompetence, negligence etc (or all of the above and more in some cases)
    The cause of Lebanon’s power problems appears to be that whilst most of the infrastructure appears to me to of been fixed or well on the way to this it appears that there are political factors that are now coming into play.
    I’m not really following Lebanese affairs too closely (which I’m sick of and are always repetitive and it would actually a step up to say they were parochial, they’re less than parochial they're village politics) but apparently there’s a big kafuffle over the state owned Elecricite du Liban regarding outages, running out of fuel,etc.
    I’ll get further details on that later (only to make fun of it) but it would appear that the increased shortages (does that make any sense or is that an oxymoron or have I invented an entirely new syntax?) we’ve had this summer have been due more to political factors, as usual in Lebanon, rather than actual technical infrastructure factors plus, once again as usual in Lebanon, corruption
    Quite simply, somebody stole all the money!
    That’s not the only time that politics has played a role in power outages but in the instance that I’m about to relate it was understandable and more a matter of national security (albeit futile).
    I’m not disclosing any state secrets here – its pretty much common knowledge – but I remember that during at least one of the Israeli incursions that happened every couple of years during the nineties (separate from the war of attrition that went on everyday) when Israel would conduct a one to two week concentrated blitzkrieg on Lebanese infrastructure (electricity being a major priority – several substations were destroyed) it would appear (it was pretty blatant) that the authorities had ordered all the lights in Beirut turned off at night to give the impression to the Israelis that we weren’t home (TRY NEXT DOOR!).
    Seriously, it would appear that that was done to give the Israelis the impression that they’d already succeeded in their mission and that they’d blown up and destroyed all our power plants and that they could just go home now – “move on, move on, nothing to see here!
    Despite having one of the most powerful armies in the world, the Israelis weren’t my main concern at the time - my bette noir (in the noir so to speak) during that and other outages has always been what I call the “iron supplement’.
    Whenever I go looking for a candle in the dark I’m always surprised to find that an ironing board always pops up from nowhere and ambushes me somewhere along my path.
    There may not of been an ironing board in the house, in the country or even in the entire world for that matter but as soon as the power goes, there it is – the malevolent ironing board from hell!
    If you ever need an ironing board or simply cant find yours (although they’re pretty hard to lose) try this – turn out the lights (power cut simulation for those not lucky enough to have them) and it will come to you!
    But, when all is said and done, there’s a silver lining in every cloud.
    As antiquated electricity grids worldwide struggle to accommodate larger populations coupled with increased demand and power outages increase I urge everybody anywhere experiencing any sort of power outage anywhere to see that silver lining in those dark clouds of darkness.
    Enjoy the respite from the world, technology and the twenty first century.
    Catch your breath; lie down in the darkness and, God forbid, actually think!
    Listen to the BBC World Service on a transistor radio or, God forbid, actually talk to people rather than bombarding them with stupid abbreviated text messages or stupid unfunny emailed jokes and attachments.
    Read a book by candlelight.
    Look at the stars.
    Make shadow puppets on the wall using a flashlight – the easiest is a bunny rabbit (although the novelty of this wears out pretty quickly).
    But, if your still not happy with all that and you cant live without electricity then I suggest you go fly a kite!
    It worked for Benjamin Franklin!


    12:15 pm

     
    TWELVE APATHETIC AUSTRALIAN MEN
    -An apathetically short play by Renato Obeid

    CHARACTERS: Twelve jurors.
    SCENE: Twelve jurors in a jury room are deadlocked and unable to reach a consensus on a guilty verdict as one solitary standout juror has voted "innocent".

    ACT ONE

    DISSENTING JUROR: He's innocent I tell ya!
    JURY FOREMAN: But we all reckon he's guilty!
    DISSENTING JUROR: Enough already, all right I give up - he's guilty!
    JURY FOREMAN: Guilty it is by unanimous consensus!

    FINIS


    12:07 pm

     
    GOODBYE AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH
    Iceland has withdrawn from the International Whaling Commision.

    11:51 am

    Friday, August 15, 2003  
    The first contingent of American troops has arrived in the Liberian capital Monrovia to instigate,supervise and oversee the post-conflict looting.
    The chaos in Post-Saddam Iraqi is to be used as a model.
    Excerpt from U.S Army manual pertaining to dealing with looting
    "Scenario : persons involved in unauthorised reallocation of property (looting) to your left. Course of action to be taken : look to your right (the other way) - we're not local policemen,we're global policemen."

    11:31 am

     
    I was talking to someone at the pub the other night who regurgitated the old chestnut that pornography is exploitative of women.
    Now, I don't know about that - women in pornos look pretty happy to me and seem to be enjoying themselves.
    Besides, what better a way is there for a girl to make her parents proud of her than to appear in a porno?

    11:10 am

    Tuesday, August 12, 2003  
    PULLING UP STUMPS
    - yesterdays "cricket" scores
    Charles Taylor out for 7 (years),bowled Bush,caught Obasanjo

    11:00 am

     
    I'm at an internet café with my fourteen year old cousin Fouad, attempting to stop him from subscribing to some site or other that requires you to be over eighteen (need I say more?).
    "You can't, you have to be over eighteen" (just one of the reasons why I won't let him).
    "On the internet I am eighteen".
    He doesn’t have the internet at home as his parents won't allow it yet for obvious and justified reasons.
    What does he have to say about this?
    "They read too many newspapers".
    He goes on to say "and the only things newspapers write are the negative aspects of everything – including computers and the internet".
    I don't think parents need to worry too much about a son like that.

    Fouad was recently telling his father and I how he’d chosen ‘’schizo’’ as a nickname for himself in some computer gaming group.
    His father objected to the name and recommended that he change it.
    Foaud thought that it was a perfectly reasonable name and asked rhetorically ‘’what am I going to call myself, diarrhoea?’’
    ‘’Does it have to be an illness!’’ was his father’s bemused reply.

    9:10 am

    Friday, August 08, 2003  
    TERMINATOR 4 - RISE OF THE MACHINE
    AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE
    Automaton actor Arnold Schwazeneger has announced his candidacy ( as a Republican ) for Governor of California.
    This after Democrat Governor Gray Davis was recalled ( Total Recall to use another Schwazeneger pun that the media may not of got hold of yet )
    We have "recalls' in the Third World too - e.g. Saddam Husseins' "recall" of President Bakr In 1968 - but we call them coups d'état.
    Schwazeneger married a Kennedy and now thinks he's a politician.
    Um...wrong side Arnie - the Kennedys' are Democrats ( i.e. the OTHER party ).
    Furthermore Arnie "your'e no John F Kennedy" but the one advantage you have over J.F.K is that at least you can pronounce "ich bin ein Berliner" and also mean it ( Arnies' from Austria but it's the same thing ).

    10:28 am

    Thursday, August 07, 2003  
    BLAH,BLAH,BLAH
    Liberian President Charles Taylor says he'l step down on Monday - handing over the reins of power to Vice-president Moses Blah.
    We shall see, we've heard this from Mr Taylor before.
    Lets hope that this Moses doesn't have to wait fourty years.

    12:03 pm

     
    "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT FUNNY!"
    On the pattern of Unilevers' successful rebranding of margarine as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" I propose rebranding the following political parties with new names that more accurately reflect what they really are.
    -Sein Fein becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not The IRA!".
    -The Australian Labor Party becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not The Liberal Party!".
    -The Australian Liberal Party becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not The Labor Party!".
    -The Lebanese Phalange Party becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not Tashnak!" (no offence or disrespect intended but an Armenian heading the Phalange is like a Korean heading Sein Fein!).
    -The American Republican Party becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not The Israeli Likud Party!".
    -The American Democrats become "I Can't Believe Its Not The Israeli Labor Party!".
    -The Israeli Labour and Likud partys become "I Can't Believe It's Not The Nazi Party!".
    -The PLO becomes "I Can't Believe It's Not Hamas ( Islamic Jihad,etc )!".

    P.S : On the pattern of Britains' Liberal Democrats the Australian Democrats become the Liberal Democrats because that is literaly what they are - the yuppie wing of the Liberal Party ( "they looked from Young Liberal to Democrat and couldn't tell the difference anymore" ).

    11:55 am

    Wednesday, August 06, 2003  
    PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC
    Are Protestants efficient,industrious and hard-working or what?
    The stereotype rings true.
    Whilst it takes the Catholic Church weeks,months and often years to rig innocent "verdicts" in "investigations" into charges against their clergy their Protestant counterparts do all that in UNDER TWENTY FOUR HOURS! ( instant innocent "verdicts" - an inversion of Stalinist instant guilty "verdicts" )
    The American Episcopal House of Bishops took LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS to clear Canon Gene "Is That A Cannon In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?" Robinson ( that churchs' first openly gay bishop ) of charges leveled against him during a vote yesterday that was meant to confirm him as the Bishop of New Hampshire.
    The Protestant work ethic is alive and well!
    Too bad about other ethics though!

    P.S: Mr Robinsons daughters' ( he was previously married ) defense of her father is an honourable case of filial loyalty but she shouldnt get too carried away.
    She should bear in mind that she wouldnt be alive if her father hadnt of been less than 100% diligent in what she's so staunchly defending - his homosexuality.

    10:03 am

    Sunday, August 03, 2003  
    "THOSE RUSSIANS"
    I saw a documentary on Rasputin last night and I was disappointed - it was nothing like the song!( I much prefer the song! )
    Having heard the song ( "Rasputin" by Bonnie M ) and based my entire knowledge of Russian history on it ( along with the 1980 song "Moscow" ) I was very disappointed at the historical inaquaracies in the documentary - e.g they claimed his first name was "Grigor" wheras we all know it was "Rahrah" ( as in "Rahrah Rasputin,lover of the Russian queen" )!

    10:33 am

     
    THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW AGAINST...
    Smart-arse pilots ejecting to safety before crashing their planes into crowds at air shows and killing scores of onlookers whilst doing smart-arse tricks ( modern kamikaze pilots in every aspect except the suicide part ).
    What's the difference between the 9/11 pilots and these pilots? - the 9/11 pilots stayed in "their" planes.

    THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW AGAINST...
    Air shows - like we don't know whats going to happen!
    The only purpose they serve is to provide spectacular footage for the closing moments of T.V news bulletins ( as the "News Music" plays and the graphics roll ) on days where there is'nt any footage of cute animals being born at some zoo somewhere or South Koreans rioting ( what is it about South Koreans and rioting? ).

    10:12 am

     
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